just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
