You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
