Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
