I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
