the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
