You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he thought i was a dude.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
