Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
