She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
