If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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