He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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