who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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