so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
