omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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