I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
