I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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