you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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