Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
