I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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