so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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