I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
