you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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