I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
