Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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