I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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