I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
