It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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