did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
