I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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