Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
