I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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