If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
