So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
