Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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