you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
