just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You dont lie about slip and slides
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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