Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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