Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
