I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
you made out with another girl for some wings
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
