Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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