I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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