I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
