We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
