Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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