Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
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