Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Randomize
