At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
