Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
