Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
