I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
