He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
